If you would've seen me about a week ago, you likely wouldn't have recognized me. Now I'm not talking on physical appearance, because it's not like I dyed my hair purple, pierced my nose, and hopped on a Harley; I'm talking about personality-wise. I was not myself. AT ALL. I like to say, "My spirit was off."
Have you ever felt like that? Like something life-changing happens and it completely throws you for a loop? Or you're in an environment where you're a little uncomfortable and don't feel like you can be fully, unapologetically yourself? Well that's kinda what I was facing, though over about a week period I had been given so much news and had so many things happen it felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath me and once I got my footing it happened again. And again. And AGAIN. This continued until my health, my family dynamic, my work situation, and my relationship all were heading in different directions. I felt like there was no stability in my life whatsoever and my bearings were off completely.
You probably have no clue from reading past blog posts (or if this is the first one that's caught your eye: Welcome! So glad you took the time to hear my venting session today), I have been in a waiting period of what seems like a never-ending upward climb to get some sort of clarity on where God wants me in my career. I came to a decision months ago to start pursuing other opportunities and was under the impression that once I decided to go that route everything would be easy and fall into place based on my terms and my desires. Boy, was I wrong! I submitted numerous - I'm talking hundreds - of job applications. Soon after, I found myself in a repetitive cycle of reading the standard statement, "Thanks for your application, but we've decided to pursue other candidates..." Man, talk about feeling paltry.
Then, God opened a door - literally seconds after I prayed out to Him in desperation having read another, "Thanks, but no thanks", email. FINALLY - it was time for my blessing! I felt with every ounce of my being that this was the exact direction God was leading me towards. And THEY reached out to ME. Wow! I finally felt desired again.
I submitted my application. I was asked to interview number one. Then interview number two. Then interview number three. I was informed that if I was to be asked to move forward with them after the third interview then I would have one final interview left, in which they'd fly me out for an in-person meeting. Now this company is a large corporation that everyone has heard of and it adheres to Christian values, which would be an absolute honor to work for. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I felt like I had prepared more for the interviews more than I prepared for a colonoscopy.
Well a few days after receiving some difficult health news, the company called. Immediately I knew based on the tone of the employee's voice that I was getting another, "Thanks, but no thanks." Ouch. Disappointment set in again, yet I tried to remain hopeful and tell myself God has bigger and better in store for me. Fine. Back to square one.
I'm not going to lie. The sting wasn't immediate. It took time to set in. And I think the impact it had on me was greatly influenced by other factors in my life that had taken a turn amidst the healing of feeling neglected. This was the perfect opportunity for the enemy to fill my head with thoughts that I was undesired and unwanted. There were two clear, distinct paths I felt God had laid out for me up until that point. Two doors opened, just to be slammed shut in my face, both within 48 hours of each other.
During a momentary lapse in judgment and strength, I decided I was done. I threw the towel in. I made my mind up: I was going to move. I was pulling myself out of all social circles. I wasn't going to fulfill any of my volunteer obligations. I wasn't going back to church. I was done with God.
Let me tell you, I got to a place I had never been before. When people say there is a moment during the grieving period that feels like "waves" of emotions... I felt that. One second I was find and optimistic, trusting everything happens for a reason. The next second my face is drenched in salty, wet tears, while I am uncontrollably sobbing alone in a movie theater watching The Woman King and having no clue how to contain it. This lasted days and I felt like there was no end in sight. Then something changed.
Every other time I had gone through a hardship, I drew closer to God. For some reason I did the exact opposite in this circumstance. So, I made a decision to repeat the same behaviors that I had in the past because I knew they were healthy and would hopefully get me out of my funk. However, this did not happen until I was brutally honest with God. I ended up finally coming to terms with my feelings and telling Him how blatantly angry I was that He led me down so many paths just to slam the door in my face. I told Him that I felt like giving up and running from Him, never looking back. I expressed how disappointed I was to have continued seeking Him above everything, only to feel like I was being punished. I'm telling you, I laid it all out.
Then, He spoke to me. He told me I had to get close to Him again. I needed to. This led to me fasting, praying, listening to sermons/encouraging messages, and spending time meditating in His word for a full 48 hours. Every other time I've fasted, I could hear God clearly and I would just be getting hit left and right with revelations. Welp, not this time. I felt my efforts were in vain. Yet I continued seeking Him, having somehow allowed the feelings of anger to dissipate. Then, on day three of my consistent and relentless pursuit, it all came together. BAM! Breakthrough. And dang, ya'll. It was powerful.
When I tell you every single message I heard all fit together perfectly, it was the most beautiful revelation. And this was from all different pastors/prophets/passages, with no correlation whatsoever. But God fit it together perfectly to give me exactly what I needed to hear.
God is so good. And He is working everything FOR our good, so long as we follow the first and greatest commandment of loving Him (Romans 8:28). Sometimes, though, He will shake up our foundation to make sure that we have our feet firmly planted on Him (1 Corinthians 3:11, Matthew 7:24-27, Isaiah 28:16). As the saying goes, sometimes rejection is just redirection. And sometimes that redirection is getting us back to the place where we should focus all of our attention all of the time: on Jesus.
"Christ is my firm foundation
The Rock on which I stand
When everything around me is shaken
I've never been more glad
That I put my faith in Jesus
'Cause He's never let me down
He's faithful through generations
So why would He fail now?
HE WON'T."
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