Has anyone ever asked you why you're being so hard on yourself? God has definitely been questioning me with this lately. Even yesterday while talking with my counselor she brought up how I needed to start giving myself grace more. Man, I needed to hear that! I think sometimes I am so hard on myself because I am ultimately responsible for my own choices and decisions, so who else is to blame? It has to be someone, right?
During Holy Week I decided to fast for the first time - like REALLY fast. I consumed only water for three days, then slowly transitioned to herbal teas and miso soup, then finally to a soup with strictly water-based vegetables and vegetable broth. During those days of saying no to one of my biggest idols - yes, food has been an idol to me - I heard God like never before. His voice was so clear and constant; it was incredible. He was speaking all throughout the day and in my dreams BIG time. I was able to recognize the two main idols in my life that I was putting before my time with Him: food and guys.
I know it sounds crazy. Like how did I allow food and guys to take such a precedence in my life? But, unfortunately, it's true. So, for a while I did a great job distancing myself from these idols (and no, I wasn't starving myself). I recognized the strongholds they had on me and struck them down when and where I needed. However, of course with me being a stubborn sheep, I went back. I had a few days where I just totally fell off the wagon - drinking alcohol, eating even when I wasn't hungry, and responding to an ex that had reached out. This opened up a door that I thought I had completely closed, but I am recognizing now that I still had a foot half in.
Now here I am, fasting once again, and God is speaking. BOY, is He speaking! I feel like I went through a season of drought and even told multiple friends and church folks that I felt like I haven't been able to discern what God's saying because I have not been hearing Him clearly lately. That all changed today as I was in deep prayer and fasting.
Yesterday a friend sent an article in a group text thread, and I didn't even open it. I was like, "Ahh.. I'll get to it later." Well, this morning I was in another text thread with some friends and we were texting prayers over one another when one of them mentioned the number 5. I immediately said, "You remember this is the number God put on my heart lately, right?" Once I sent the text she resent me the article our other friend sent yesterday with a comment of, "Remember... the post that was sent yesterday talked about this?" Literally, while she was sending that I had just hit send on a text that said, "Learning how to give myself grace when I stray away and make human mistakes." Well guess what the article was titled? "Hebrew numbers 1-10 - Grace in Torah". Yep. That's when I was like, "Okay, God. I'm listening."
Sure enough, I looked into what the article said the number 5 represents in Scripture, and I got affirmation after affirmation of exactly what God has been trying to tell me lately. I just have been too focused on the idols in my life to sit still and quiet enough to be able to hear what He's saying. While reading this, I was on my morning walk and tears just welled up in my eyes. It took all strength in me to not fall on my face and weep as I could FINALLY hear Him loud and clear. I just had to silence everything else - the food, the boys, and the social media - in order to be able to actually listen.
Sometimes we go back to our old ways and destructive behavior. It happens! Clearly, I am far from innocent in that aspect. But when we become obedient and seek His face, we see that He has never left us (Deuteronomy 31:6). He is magnanimous through our failures and fleetingness. Sometimes we just have to tune our ears to listening.
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