A few months ago there seemed to be an epidemic slathered across social media with stories about Flight Attendants taking their own lives. At the point of all the stories breaking about the tragic situations, I could not fathom how anyone could be in the same profession as me - the one where I get to travel the world either for free or make money doing so, the one where I don't have to pay for my hotel costs while on a layover, the one that at times I get to fly in a first class seat with no expenses out of my pocket, the one that literally gives me access to go anywhere I please just about anytime I choose - and be so depressed. It dumbfounded me because I found so much joy in my career.
That was until last week.
Being the die-hard Dawg fan that I am, I wanted nothing more than to go to the big Georgia game against Notre Dame in Athens the other Saturday. It was a day I had looked forward to since they released the 2019 football schedule and I made sure to try my best to get the weekend off (just like every weekend during football season). Then they announced that College Game Day would be at that game. Lord have mercy, if I wasn't bound and determined to go before then I definitely was after that came out! I messaged countless people I figured were going to the game, but it seemed like no one had plans to partake.
I then accepted that perhaps I would crush the dream of me being there for game day.
Then the depression set in.
"No one wants to hangout with me."
"I'm nobody."
"No one likes me."
"No one cares about me."
"I have no friends."
These were all of the thoughts going through my head the day before game day, and I fully believed each one of them.
When Saturday morning rolled around I was laying in bed pretty much hating my life. I recall thinking to myself, "I could literally go anywhere I want today. ANYWHERE. And yet I have no desire to and no one to go with me." Then my phone rang. It was my niece, Dori, calling me via FaceTime. "Weird," I thought, because she had never really FaceTimed me before. (My niece is close to me, in both age and relationship, by the way.) She asked what I was doing and I embarrassingly told her how I was still laying in bed, sort of in a state of depression. She asked what was going on so I filled her in about how I was super upset that I wasn't going to the Georgia game and that I had no one to really hangout with and all I wanted to do all day was watch football but I didn't want to do it by myself. Her response floored me. "Maybe this is Jesus's way of telling you that you need to spend more time focusing on Him rather that football." YA'LL. I couldn't. Deep down I knew she was absolutely right. I had an entire day to myself with nothing on my agenda and here I was desiring nothing more than to watch a dang football game, meanwhile Jesus is begging me to just give Him a moment of my time.
We continued talking about our faith and she began pouring words of encouragement into me. After a short while, all of my depression and negative thoughts dissipated and all I felt was God's love shining through her. Her husband, Chad, was walking by Dori and asked what she was doing. When she told him she was FaceTiming me he chimed in and said, "Tell her to get her butt over here!" Dori excitedly said, "Oh my gosh, YES! Why don't you come over here and hangout?!? Please please please!!!" My response was a mixture of pure joy and shock and I started tearing up, only to muster up a response of, "That would be amazing and I would really love that." PS) Chad and I share a similar love for Georgia football so I was thrilled not only to be spending time with someone that day, but also to be able to wholeheartedly cheer on the Dawgs with another true Georgia fan.
It sounds ridiculous looking back on it, how things that just didn't go my way had such a profound effect on me. It also sounds even more ridiculous that I let myself believe that no one cared about me, liked me, or wanted to spend time with me. Then it was clear to me something that I've let take hold of my life far too many times, yet I've been told a lot lately what is actually happening and to be aware of it and shut it down: THOSE ARE THE LIES FROM THE ENEMY. I let satan (and no, I'm not capitalizing that title because I don't think he is deserving of it, despite my grammatical proofreading innermost self urging me to) dictate what Jesus has told me I am. I listened to complete lies and got so caught up in them that the truth was jaded in my mindset. I let satan tell me that I was disliked, not cared for, and abandoned when the whole time Jesus is telling me that I am so loved and cared for by Him, the one that TRULY matters, that He endured the most profound death in order to prove that love for me.
One of my favorite songs is "You Say" by Lauren Daigle (shoutout to all my LD fans because I am more obsessed with her than Jeni's ice cream, which is saying A LOT!). Here are some of the song lyrics:
"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough, Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up. Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low? Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know.
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing. You say I am strong when I think I am weak. You say I am held when I am falling short. And when I don't belong, You say I am Yours."
As the day progressed I put Jesus above it all. I spent time thoroughly digging into scripture, giving myself the willingness to be as open and transparent as possible. I prayed for so long, it felt like years of prayers all built up into that one moment. I abandoned all my distractions, put college football on the back burner, and surrendered it all in that moment. And you know what happened? Jesus showed up. A weight was lifted off of me and His loving arms surrounded me. I felt whole, loved, and cared for again.
So I encourage you of this: when you're struggling, surrender. We all go through it. We all have times of our doubting our self-worth, feeling unloved, and having a sense of abandonment. When you feel that way, throw those thoughts way and stop listening to the devil's lies! Instead, find peace and quiet and listen to the truth of who Jesus says you are.
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